A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a narcissist. He came to me with no money, no home, no job, no car, and obviously in need of help. For an overgiver like I once was, this was an exact complimentary force.
I could hear his spirit and it resonated deeply with me. I felt so drawn to helping him out of whatever hole he had dug for himself. I am very determined, and this sparked a wild fire within me. Little did I know that this would begin the journey where I found my deepest wounds, my greatest fears, and the warrior within.
It began simple enough. We met in what seemed like a synchronistic way. He was open and I could hear him on a deep soul level which fueled my curiosity, but also had never felt so drained after even a brief conversation. I could feel a push/pull within, but my desire to help overrode any semblance of conscious awareness.
I began driving him where he needed to go. I arranged places for him to sleep. I assisted him in building a business that would be lucrative for him. I fed him, bought him clothes, and opened my life to him. But, little by little, I began to lose myself.
He was very jealous and asked me to no longer go to the gym. He asked me to stop seeing male clients ( I was supporting us, as well as my 2 girls, and that was a good chunk of my revenue). He insisted on going everywhere with me, even to get my hair cut. He continued to ask for more and more and reassured me that it was only temporary until he was able to get on the other side of things. In my desire to help, I tried to accommodate him the best I could. But, life was becoming a very solitary place and feelings of suffocation began to consume me.
I was slowly being devoured by this person that I allowed into my life. I woke up each day stressed, suffocated, isolated, and fucking angry. I am not an angry person by nature, but this woke a sleeping beast in me. I had no time to myself as he needed constant validation that I was committed to him. When I dropped him off at night, he wanted to call me and speak until I could not keep my eyes open. I began feeling like I needed to fight for everything. He insisted I needed anger management as I was in constant fight mode. I had not realized I was fighting for my soul.
I attempted to kick him out of my life several times, but he was a master manipulator and played on my desire to help and heal others as a way back in. I thought I was going crazy and could not see beyond the tip of my nose. I doubted everything I did and said, I had completely abandoned my life and any semblance of who I once was, and felt simply lost and very alone.
The turning point for me was when a very close friend had a hard conversation with me. She told me that she loves me very much but can no longer witness the shell of a person I was becoming. It was causing her too much pain to witness this loss, and she needed to separate from my experience. It was at this moment that I realized this was bigger than just me. This was something that others could tangibly see and was also causing them pain. She once knew me as a bright light that inspired all I met, led powerful meditations of healing and transformation, encouraged others to step into their greatness and always had a kind word, a smile, and a big hug to give. The person I was now was not that. That piece had been stifled, exhausted, and drained. The worst part was… I allowed it.
As soon as I got clear of what was truly happening, I kicked him out of my life.
Then, true healing began.
A good friend of mine cleared my field and as the energy was leaving my body, I saw what had been imposed on me, what had been feeding on me, and what was at this man’s core. I saw the dark, the entity, and the energy of what was consuming him, and ultimately, me. While we were no longer speaking, I did choose to inform him of this entity and told him he needs clearing. He rejected that. I then went deep in meditation and met him in spirit. I opened my arms to him and offered help to him there, but what I found gave new insight that I could not have imagined. During this meditation, he walked towards me. A dark force surfaced behind him. He looked at me, bowed his head, and turned to follow the dark. Holy shit. He chose the dark. He is following the dark… on purpose.
In that moment, I learned the most valuable lesson of my life. I cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves. My entire existence had been trying to drag people out of their own shit, even when they wanted to stay in it. I constantly found myself down in it with them, and had not realized all the self sacrifice was for nothing. Damn.
Once my field was clear, I began to feel more and more like myself. He called me one evening and for some unknown reason, I answered. As soon as I picked up, I felt a jolt of energy enter in through my Solar Plexus. I asked what he just sent. He seemed amazed that I felt it. He had attempted to re-attach to my energy to continue to siphon me. I hung up, blocked him, and once again cleared my field of him. I was reminded of the nights I was woken by my spiritual team only to find him hovering over me, creating attachments to me, stealing my energy while I rested. No wonder I always felt depleted upon waking. I was traumatized, terrorized, and finally understood the level of healing that now needed to follow.
It took about a month or 2 to realize the extent that I had been victimized. When tough situations happen to me, I am not one to stay down very long. I get up, brush myself off, and keep going. Not this time. I was so depleted, I could not even stand up on my own. I went into my shadows and stayed there until I became aware of all that resided deep inside. I continued to clear my field, asked for assistance from others, allowed my friendships to open once again, and began to introspect like I never knew was possible.
As I delved into my layers, I realized the patterns of self sacrifice, the overgiving, the desire to help others to the point of my own detriment, the little self worth I had unless I felt I was helping someone else, and the lack of love I showed myself. Wow. Mind blown.
These patterns had sprinkled my past in romantic relationships, business partnerships, and even some friendships. I began to realize that each one of these experiences was a gift to allow contrast in order to reflect on my true value, my worth, and to find a deep place of honor and love for myself. These people all provided me with opportunities to learn what I do not want, what I do deserve, and how to grow and nurture the pieces of me that are ready for something better. Much better.
Now, I live a life rich with amazing and supportive people. I understand what it feels like to nurture myself and to allow true love into my life, especially from Self. I ask for help when I need it, and focus on helping others who are ready for the growth. Even when I love someone, I have learned to leave them to their own devices and their divine timing of healing. I know I do not need to stay there suffering with them. I keep moving forward and simply invite them to join me when they are ready. I know now it is not my responsibility to help every single person on the planet. I have learned how to assign responsibility back to each person and have witnessed such empowerment and growth for those individuals. Life moves on and it is good.
If you find yourself in negative situations, ask yourself what is being reflected to you that you may be ignoring. Once you become aware of your patterns and programs, life will not need to get loud to force the healing. Looking at your past can give insight as to what patterns you came in to learn. Spend some time within, meditate, and love yourself in all the ways you can imagine. We are here to grow and evolve. There are sweet ways to learn and there are difficult ones. Which do you choose?